Saturday, February 28, 2009

velvet cake...velvet elvis...

went to dinner last night with the "clique"

..we decided to forgo the usual haunts in the polaris area and went to figlio instead....mmmmm i ate more pasta than i should while trying to lose weight, accompanied, of course, by some cabernet and for the grand finale, red velvet cake. (hey i shared it with two others, so it barely counts right???)

then we ditched the one husband who came for dinner and it was off to play some pool at a local bar. when i got there, i went directly to the bathroom (the wine working on me) now i know i seem to write about my bathroom experiences quite a bit, but for some reason, weird shit happens to me in public restrooms on a regular basis....maybe i should consider a catheter or something so i don't have to use them...

so i go in, aand there is one stall and it is occupied...the "door" for the stall is an old western style swinging door that doesn't close all the way, thus alowing the poor souls waiting in line a free show. i notice right away that there is a bucket on the floor in front of the woman's feet and my immediate thought is oh jeebus...tell me she's not puking and shitting because if i have to watch this, i'm gonna need lots more beer and perhaps a ventilator.....

but, she's not puking thank goodness, it seems that this fine establishment was experiencing some roof leakage and rather than spring for a repairman, they decided to allow asbestos tainted water to freely drip down into a dirty bucket that is placed about 5 inches from where my face, and possibly more importantly, my hoohoo was about to be. but i had to go....... damnit.... i swing through the doors like the brave cowgirl and try to mentally calculate how i can hover (no way i'm touching that seat) without peeing on myself while dodging the likely poisonous drops coming down from a ceiling that looked like it was ready to cave any second now. the result was some sort of awkward squat-wiggle that looked a good bit like the drunk uncle that seems to be at every wedding i've ever been to dancing the twist during the "little bit softer now" part. the woman who just vacated the stall decided that i didn't have enough to do or concentrate on, so she stuck around to tell me her life history and how much she loved this bar. all i could do was grunt responses while i tried not to piss on myself....

after all the bathroom fun, we played a couple games of pool which i surprisingly won and then left to see "he's just not that into you"...i have to be honest...this movie sucked. it had some cute moments and some funny ones, but overall, i felt bad that my poor work hubby had wasted his cash getting me in.

so, that was my friday night.....tonight i'm going out with some friends again, so if i have any more bathroom drama, you can be sure that you'll all know by sunday!

Monday, February 23, 2009

kingdom 'o boogers

so, the princess has been entire weekend was spent in warm jammies and surrounded by kleenex and vicks rub. had a nasty respiratory infection that is just now backing down. my vaporizer is my new bff

i don't have a really fluid blog in my head right now..more like some random shit bouncing between my ears like:

1. does wearing concealer to the gym even make sense? i don't think it does, but i do it trainer may see me all sweaty, and may force me to bend my body in ways that should only be sexual but he CAN NOT see my zits!

2. i think i may be brewing my coffee too strong....if my desperate, pedal-to-the-metal drive to work this morning wasn't enough to teach me, i don't know what will

3. cadbury eggs are simply fabulous

4. why does eyebrow hair seem to grow much faster than all other hair (with the exception on leg hair ofc)

5. did anyone else think that the musical "numbers" at last night's oscars sucked big hairy balls or was it just me?

6. almonds do not taste good right after you brush your teeth

7. i think i lost the last antibiotic pill i was supposed to take today....mmmm...can generic z pack pills kill a cat? i mean, i don't know the cat did it...could be under my enormous pile of shit on the table..but just in case....

guess i'd better go to the gym where i can get all stinky, and watch the concealer melt and ooze right off my face. someone once told me that their 30's were the best years of their lives. i am now wondering if that's true, or if that person's 20's just sucked really bad.....

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Holy Sh*t! it goes a little something like this....

today, i arrived at an assignment early. with time to spare, i decided to go potty and then grab a coffee. so i go into the ladies' and into the middle stall. pardon the tmi, but i'm just going in for a quick pee (this is a good thing, as you'll see...)

on my left comes the bellow of a great fart....this is followed by some bodily noises i'm glad you are spared of but that make me shiver even still.... with all the noise goin on i look down to see her sneaker-clad foot sticking out and under the dividing wall, coming over to my side. it literally shakes with each sound....(pleasure or pain i do not know) all the while i hear "oh jesus!" "holy jesus!" and even a few "thank you jesus"s.

of course i got out of there as quickly as, i'm not a religious gal, but if my god made shitting so difficult, i don't think i'd be offering thanks......

Monday, February 16, 2009

Aren't I a grown up?

Ok, so today i'm dealing with two issues that have to do with being a grown up, although in two different ways, and one isn't really important.

let's start with the silly one.....i think my face has finally hit puberty. :-( I had such lovely skin when i was a teen, beautiful and smooth. i'm getting nailed in the ass for making it through those rough years with nice skin now. i look like i have chicken pox...i swear. no amount of concealer will fix this problem, a problem i admit that is worsened by my inability to leave well enough alone...i pick at my face....but

adding to the red pox-like face is my silly obsession with the peach fuzz on my face. now i know, all folks have peach fuzzy faces, but i'm terrified that mine will evolve into the dreaded femoustache...i don't want this to happen! so i decided this morning to use a hair removal cream on my lip.....BIG MISTAKE!!! i know have a red moustache as the shit must have peeled the first few layers of skin off my lip. i get to go to work looking like a chicken pox cursed soul who has a perpetual kool-aid 'stache.....hello monday!

in other news, i want to move out of this apt. i'm tired of having neighbors who are bitches about the slightest bit of noise. i'm wanting to paint and make a space my own....i wanna house or condo. both have their pros and cons, i know. i'm not sure if jus will be willing to move or not. he is the serious type, focused on our expenses, and thank goodness for that! without him, i'd be a homeless person with a fab shoe collection!! it's a scary prospect, buying a home, but it's one i think we're ready for. so, i'm hoping he and i will be able to discuss and decide. we need to decide soon because our lease will be coming up this spring, and to move we have to give 60 days notice.

well...time to go to work....i'm hoping that the person doesn't show so i can hide my poor face from as many people as possible.....wish me luck!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Ok so, Justin decided to make dinner tonight and was in the mood for a veggie to go with the baked steak he made. (YAY for a husband who cooks!) Anyhow, so after rooting around in the cupboard, he found some beets

And then, horror upon horror, embarrassment upon embarrassment, he (quite luckily) checks the "good by" date

Um, yeah, that says Dec of 03!!!!! Jeebus man! How horrible!!! Guess we don't eat beets all that often!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I haven't had any crazy mishaps or bitch fits lately, so i'm not too sure what to blog about! i decided to join a gym so i can now go every day in addition to the twice weekly trainings i've been going to. i really enjoy it, though i bitch, and i'm seeing some of the results. i really like that a good friend also goes to this gym and is willing to go with me. i've been asking justin to go only to go, but he doesn't want to. he keeps pointing out that we have a treadmill here. he's right, we do, but i am a social person it seems, and i would rather workout with others. i'm thinking about joining a yoga class, but i've never taken yoga and am a bit intimidated by it. anyone have any experience here?

I'm also in midterms week. i can not wait to be done with school. if all pans out according to plan, i should be done this june. i have my fingers crossed. i'm tired of homework! i was hoping for a raise upon graduation, but with the economy being as it is, i don't know if that will happen. i guess i should just be thankful that i have a job right now. well, make that 2 jobs, but you know what i mean.

and, i said a quite boring, no cursing involved, kind of blog. just a hi and a quick update on what's been going on. maybe i'll have something more exciting to talk about soon!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

cat antics

We have two gigantic cats. Now, even though these two are litter mates, they are night and day when it comes to their personalities. We have Luke:

Luke is laid back(as you can see) and loves to be around people. He will let me hold him like a baby and can almost always be found in the same room as me.

We also have Leia

Leia is more of a you-can-touch-me-when-i-say-you-can kind of girl. She is the cat who wakes us up in the morning when it's time for breakfast. Luke just drags the bowl down the hall.

SO, this past Sunday morning, justin and i were wanting to be lazy and were awake but just chilling in bed. Leia was all up in our faces (mine especially) and she started headbutting me relentlessly. She needed food damnit! i decided, in my infinite wisdom to scoop her up and snuggle her because this tactic had worked before. she normally gets a wee bit ticked, squirms her way out of my grasp and run away. this is exactly the result i was looking for. so i grab her and start kissing on her and loving on her. sure enough, the squirming began and when i let go, she bolted.

then justin says , "what the hell is that?" and points to the mattress right between our faces (man is blind without his glasses). "that" was a small piece of cat shit! that huffy fur ball literally shit out of protest! justin says i squeezed the poo out of her, but i didn't really squeeze i know now that we have 2 sassy princesses living here...only i don't poo to show my displeasure...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


OK so let me tell you why i say i'm not a has been chock full of examples.

When I got home from work today, this is what i looked like:

-hair a stringy, needs-a-good-brushing mess

- something green between my teeth, probably from lunch (whatever happened to those honest friends who would tell a girl an important thing like this???)

-a booger peeking out of my right nostril...not far..but enough

-my bright blue undies sticking out of the back of my waistband

I looked like a very special girl who had tried her best to pull off being cute and fell very short of the mark.

And, to top it all off, i have to go to the gym in a few minutes for a weigh in. This means my trainer will also measure different parts of my body including my calves...which i am just realizing are very hairy and marked (seemingly for life) with indentations from the mid-calf length socks i wore all day (hey- it's freaking winter time....function over fashion)

I am the living version of not only "what not to wear" but the cosmo embarrassing stories all wrapped up into one boogery, lumpy and furry package.

Excuse me while I go shave my legs....

I must be Mormon ya'll!

If this article has any truth to it, I can say I have 2 spouses.....jeez! One is hard enough to deal with! lol

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

SuperCuts ain't so super.....

I've decided to give blogging a shot. I realize that I'm slow to catch this trend....I'm not too sure if I'll have enough interesting things to say!

Let me start by recounting something that happened to me the other day and I'm sure you'll see why I've named my blog what I did.

So after work last Friday, I decided to quickly stop by a SuperCuts to get my hair trimmed before a birthday dinner for a friend. I don't normally go to places like this for haircuts, but all I needed was a trim, so I didn't see the harm. So I go in and this lady is standing at the register and the dialogue goes like this:

me: Hi, I'd like a trim please.

lady: Ok, what's your name?

me: Oh I'm not in your system. I've never been here before.

lady: I don't know how to cut your hair if you're not in the system.

me (thinking): Scissors would be a good start.....

So, we start off on the wrong foot. Someone else had to come over to help the dingbat and soon I found myself in her chair. *gulp* I explain that I'd like a trim and my bangs shortened. (Pretty simple) She trims the hair and moves on to the bangs. She cuts them so that they still cover my eyes.

me: I can't see.

Lady: mmmm I don't know how to fix that...

me: cut them SHORTER

So, she cuts them to a good length. Now, before I got the bangs, my hair was parted down the middle and now the new bangs were parting. I mention this and she informs me that she doesn't know how to fix it either. GRRRRRR! Now, this is important...she asked me in the beginning if I'd like my hair washed and I said no because I had a dinner to go to. She used the spray bottle and wetted my hair for the trim. So she whips out her trusty hair dryer to dry the bangs. She then grabs her round brush and proceeds to give me what I call turd bangs. Remember the 80's style bangs that curled under resembling a large turd on one's forehead???? Yup...turd bangs.

I freak out and ask what in the hell she thinks she's doing. She tells me she thinks they look pretty and continues to blow dry my semi-wet hair which promptly frizzes. I really get worked up at this point and jump out of the chair to make her stop the madness. So now I have turd bangs and the ginormous frizzy hair to match....oh yeah, and dinner in about 45 minutes. I tell her to just get the straight iron out and fix what she's done. She informs me that she can do that BUT IT WILL COST 20 DOLLARS MORE!!!!! Hello people this is a $13 haircut. I am livid.....I tell her that she screwed up my hair and she needs to fix it for free. she keeps insisting that it's 20 dollars more.

So, I yell at her to "get your F'ing hands off of me!" and race towards the door. I pay my check and announce to her in front of everyone that she's not getting a tip and why. I then leave in a desperate search for some kind of help. Luckily, I went to a Beauty First store across the street where a very sweet girl helped me out. She let me use a demo straight iron to fix the mess. TURD BANGS BE GONE!