the shit hit the fan!- well---- hit the baby!!

so last week i decided to begin our adventures in cloth diapering. i've been looking forward to using these diapers that a certain friend shelled out serious cash for, not to mention the savings on disposable diapers. (they are so costly) we got these diapers called fuzzi bunz one size diapers. they are what's known as pocket diapers and what's cool about them is they adjust to fit babies from 7 to 35 lbs. i put olivia in her first one and adjusted the elastics around her tummy and thighs, snapped it on and took a look at my sweet girl. SHE HAD THE BIGGEST BABY BOOTY EVER!!! due to the need for these diapers to fit big babies too, they are chunky on the butt. she has to wear pants a size up from her normal just to accommodate for the junk in her infant trunk. but that's ok with me if we're just chilling at home, so i found bigger pants and we rocked the cloth.

they've been working out pretty well with one exception. let me explain first that we purchased a sprayer that attaches to the toilet to *ahem* rinse the poo into the potty before the dirty diaper goes into the laundry. now, i was so excited to get into the cloth, i didn't wait to get this sprayer before we started wearing them.... BIG FAT MISTAKE!

last friday- i had one of those moments where you have to either laugh hysterically or sob, and you can, perhaps, get away with doing a bit of both. one of those moments when you're not sure if what just happened REALLY happened and you just don't know what to do next.

the day started out great. liv slept well all night, only waking up to eat and then passing back out. we were both up, showered and dressed by 9 am. (this, by the way, is an amazing feat--there are days that i'm not showered before 4 pm) we had to go to target. i wore my moby wrap (omg THE best thing i bought for us so far) and we were off....we were in the store not 5 minutes when she puked. due to the position she was in, this of course, ran down between my boobs. lovely...i shrug it off (oh what motherhood can do to you!) and keep shopping. she slowly begins to fuss..and then cry...and then wail. i'm rushing through the store like i'm a contestant in supermarket sweep. we cash out and get out to the car. i wrestle her into her car seat ( oh how she hates it) and think "when the car starts moving, she'll pass out. " WRONG!! she screamed all the way home!!!

about 15 very tense minutes later we get home and i lug everything into the house- screaming baby and all. my blood pressure was through the roof i'm sure. i drop everything(not the baby)and begin to warm up a bottle. a frantic 5 minutes later, we settle down. after eating, like any good baby, she decides to do a #2 in her cloth diaper. i change her, put her back in the moby, and scratch my head at this new dilemna. how to clean this bad boy without the sprayer??

i go into the bathroom and spy our shower head...it has a long tube, the kind you can grab and bring into the tub ( i love this when rinsing my hair after dying it) so, i hang the nasty diaper over the toilet, grab the shower head and turn it on. the water hits the dipe at a speed not intended for bodily fluids. shit goes flying everywhere! on my face, on the floor, on the celing and toilet and all over the back of liv's head!!! at that very moment, my lovely little one pukes down the front of my shirt again. now i have a sopping wet diaper in one hand and a still running shower head in the other, i've got shit on my lips, eyes, face and puke lazily making its way to my belly button. i take the showerhead back to its rightful place, splashing water all over the floor. and now i've got a puddle. and the coup de gras, leia walked in, assessed the situation and promptly took a shit on the floor next to me. i just stood there for awhile, dripping, stinking, stewing....then i started to laugh. i laughed so hard I almost puked. liv kept watching me and smiling (evidently she didn't know about her shit covered head) what else could we do? everything and everyone got cleaned up and mommy brewed a nice strong pot of coffee. i only wish i'd had some booze to spike it with!

i don't wanna go to work *pout pout*

so i go back to work next week. i start back slowly, a few shifts a week and then full time as of march 1. i have to admit, part of me is ok with the idea, you know the part that likes to have money (haha) and the part that desires adult interaction, but mostly i have been enjoying hanging out with my family in the evenings. justin and i won't see each very often when i go back due to our opposite schedules. but...this prevents the cost or need for daycare.

liv is doing great. she's quite the spitter though...we have many outfit changes during the day. she's gaining weight and developing a little of a personality.

nothing new is going on here. my brother josh is graduating from basic training (navy) today and i wish i could be there to see him. i just had sinus surgery on monday though, and i'm not up for the travel. the surgery went well. it was not painful so much as it made me very lightheaded and out of sorts for a few days. the dr took the hard plastic stints out yesterday and that has helped me to feel better. there is still some dissovable packing in there and i go back in two weeks to get it removed. i can kinda breathe through my nose and should be fully able to after the next appointment. right now, it's sore and extremely crusty inside. andd i keep blowing out loads of bloody snot (pretty picture eh?) better all be worth it!!! i haven't been able to use my nose in years and i'm quite excited at the idea.

back to liv---one thing that i knew we, as new parents, would face that i am not enjoying is that everyone seems eager to give us unsolicited advice. and they are quick to judge. i am a firm believer in what is called attachment parenting. i don't allow liv to "scream it out" because she is too young to understand what is happening. she is too young to self-soothe and crying is her only way to communicate her needs to me. i believe that at this young age, she can't get enough contact with mom or dad and we hold her often. i hear that we are spoiling her way too often. it is impossible to spoil a newborn! she needs to build a bond that is based on trust that we will take care of her needs. we have also been co-sleeping with her. this started as a necessity as i was unable to hop out of bed every few hours right after my c section to tend to her. i bought what is called a "snuggle nest" (http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Delight-Supreme-Snuggle-Incline/dp/B001U0PVQM/ref=pd_sbs_ba_2 )

this helps keep her within arms reach and safe from being rolled on. i love sleeping with her and she likes i too i think. she and i sleep facing one another and often i wake to a little hand touching my face. melts my heart... i have read some interesting articles about co-sleeping and how it reduces the risk of SIDS. it seems that mom and baby are so attached and so in rhythm, that when baby pauses in breathing (which they all do) mom's breathing helps them to start back up. i don't imagine that we will continue this practice much longer, but i have enjoyed it more than i can say. i can also say that i'm tired of, when this fact comes to light, hearing all the horror stories of babies being rolled on or kicked to the foot of a bed. i know about this...Ive educated myself, and i feel comfortable with my decision, as is justin.

i guess i just didn't realize that becoming a new parent means that everyone will judge every move you make. i think most are well-intentioned, but unless asked, please--keep it to yourself!

speaking of...i hear snorting and fussing...gotta run!

in the swing

so here we are, week 3. time really does fly! we're starting to get a schedule established, and that helps anal me oh so much. i'm the sort who craves control and while i know a new baby means no real control, the schedule at least provides the ILLUSION of my having some.

we've seemed to find some solutions for liv's reflux. we've changed formulas and prop her up as much as possible. she's growing like a weed! up to 6 lbs 8 oz as of last week and i know she's gained more. her face is just getting so round and beautiful!

i'm relaxing a bit (as much as my anxiety allows lol) i go back to work full time march 1st, but i picked up some shifts in february to ease me back into it. sometimes, i look forward to it, to break up the monotony and get me out of the house. but other times, i just don't want to think about leaving her!

i have another surgery coming up. feb 1st i go in to finally get my nose fixed!! i haven't been able to use it properly for years due to a deviated septum and some physical blockage of the nostrils. i was working on scheduling this surgery when we found out that i was pregnant. so, the dr decided to do it while i was already off work. i hear it hurts like a mother, but is worth it in the long run. hopefully, i'll be able to breathe and maybe even smell things!! (just in time for poopy diapers!)

uh oh- the beast is stirring--gotta run!

where did christy go?

i'm going to go ahead and state the obvious here, being a new parent is hard. now, before you snicker and prepare your "i-told-you-sos" or your "now who's boss?", just give me a minute to say i knew it was going to be.

i love my baby. i don't think that anyone would or could doubt that. i loved her before she was even born, i fell more in love when i heard her first cry, and the minute she was placed in my arms, i knew i would die for this tiny creature, this tiny PERSON looking up at me through hazy eyes. i wouldn't change her being here for the world. but there are moments when i struggle to adopt this new reality placed upon me by virtue of her just being here.

last night i had such a moment while waiting for a bottle to warm ( i have no idea what time it was except to say that the only thing on tv was infomercials). there i found myself, tired, oh so deliriously tired, wearing a nightgown with spit up on my boob, missing a sock, staring down at this newly obtained flabby gut when i just kinda lost it. not a crazy- throwing things and being loud "lost it"- just a quiet, pitiful weeping. now, this was not the first time since Liv has come along that i have cried. two nights ago, i spent a good two hours rocking a fitful baby and sobbing until we both had the hiccups and looked like we had lost the battle with the ugly stick. i know, these things happen.

most of my time is spent, i think, trying to reconcile my brain with this new world. i find myself struggling to find a sense of "normalcy" only to then realize that i don't even know what "normal" means anymore. i miss people too. it seems to me that everyone has kinda abandoned me. given me up to the all consuming life of motherhood. i think this is well-intentioned. i think that people are trying to give me, give us time to bond with our baby and to get to know her. and for this i am grateful. ( i know i sound wishy washy,like i don't know WHAT i want, but that's what you get from someone who doesn't sleep anymore) i also would like people to remember that i am a person first, in fact i am the same person i was a month ago to some extent. call me, talk to me about what's going on out there in the world since i can't go out there right now. visit. i miss being around people. even if its just a phone call. i miss it.

i can't sleep during the day. i have a never ending list of things that need to be done. that's the other catch 22, i want people to visit, but would be mortified if they was the condition of the apartment. the condition of me...

so while this has no point, i felt like getting it all out. excuse the rambling...i think my coffee is done.

Olivia's here!!

as i write this, i look to my left and i see my precious, 4 day old daughter sleeping on my husband's chest. they're doing "kangaroo care", skin to skin contact that helps her bond, learn to regulate her body temperature and relax. its beautiful to see.

last wed, christmas eve, i woke up to my cat nudging my leg, insisting on her breakfast. it was 645am and i contemplated just rolling over to go back to sleep. but, the preggo bladder was screaming so i heaved myself to the edge of the bed in a barrel roll fashion and felt a pop. and then a gush....i hopped out of bed and scooted to the bathroom. i knew exactly what just happened, i knew that my water had just broken, yet i stood there with my pj pants around my knees just staring for a few seconds. then, i cleaned up and said, "justin, wake up" he, from a dead sleep, mumbled, "wha?" "i think my water just broke." lemme tell ya, that boy has never woken up so fast before in his life!

i told him to calm down and that i was going to get a shower and then call the doctor. and that's what i did. when i called, they told me that one of my dr's partners was on call and that he liked patients to call him at home. i called the number they gave me and a woman (his wife?) told me that he was at riverside hospital and to call the service back and ask them to page him. i do.

he called me back in a few minutes ( i was unpacking my bag meant to go back to the valley and making a hospital bag) he asked if i knew for sure that the water broke.

me "yes, definitely."

dr "are you still leaking?"

me "yes"

dr "having contractions?"

me "no"

dr "well, give it a few hours. if you go to the hospital now, they'll just give you pitocin to start contractions. wait until 9 and then go, unless you start getting contractions 5 minutes apart before that time. if you do, go then."

me " ok, she's frank breech"

dr " well then, you'll have surgery today"

so, we decided to clean the apartment in case anyone had to come over. by 8, i was having contractions 7 minutes apart. they were all in the back of my hips and they HURT. by 820 they were 5 minutes apart and i told justin we were going.

he tells me that the dr said to wait until 9. i give him a death stare and tell him that this was MY decision and I said we were going NOW. we get to the hospital and are sent to triage. these people were just trying to do their job, but lemme tell ya--asking a woman inane questions like "what was the last grade you completed in school?" mid-contraction is simply a death wish!

by 915, they were 2 minutes apart and i was dilating. they did an ultrasound and confirmed her breech position and said that i definitely needed a c section. poor justin kept trying to rub my arm, hold my hand and i kept holding my hand up to tell him not to touch me. i was miserable. we told them that we had out of town grandparents and asked what time the surgery would be. we were told in about 30 minutes. everything was just going so so fast. justin got on the phone to rally the troops while i answered more stupid questions through clenched teeth.

they came to get me to go to the or and i was shocked that they made me walk there. i had to pause a few times to make it through a contraction. justin put on his exterminator suit. when we got to the room, they showed jus the area he had to wait in and took me inside. i sat on the edge of the bed and the anesthesiologist ( a very nice man) was trying to get me to bend over so he could find the spot to stick me in the spine. hard to do with contractions that are now coming on top of each other. i manage it and he says "you're going to feel a stick, it's important that you don't move" i interrupt him by screaming "JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!" he does and 5 seconds later i announce "i can't feel my feet" they moved me on to the table and set everything up. a blue curtain is raised and justin is brought in.

about ten minutes later, after lots of pressure and tugging and pulling- i hear "its a girl!" and i see, for a split second, a little, gooey face peeking over the curtain and then i hear an ear shattering scream. i start to cry and justin got all teary. a few minutes later they got justin to go her. and then was the worst part of the whole ordeal- i lay there, like a slab of meat- being shoved and tugged, rolled and "worked on" i lay there alone, the happiest moment of my life and i had no one to share it with. i couldn't see her, i had no one to hold my hand, i was just the discarded host.

then jus did bring her to me and all of those terrible feelings were pushed away. (they would resurface periodically) they wheeled me to recovery and gave her to me right away. she was perfect. tiny, 6 lbs, but perfect.

olivia is doing well, she was born 4 weeks early, and as a result she hadn't developed the "suck, swallow, breathe" reflex. she struggled with eating while at the hospital and lost more than 10% of her body weight, taking her down to 5 lbs 6 oz. she managed to bump up tp 5 lbs 8.2 oz by the time we left. she still struggles with eating on occasion.

she is nothing short of amazing. i tear up just thinking about her. i could look into her little face for hours. i am so in love. i love watching justin love her. he also stares at her often. we are both simply mesmerized. we keep waiting for the dream to end. lol we keep waiting for her real parents to show up and take her. we keep realizing that she's ours over and over again.

i'm slowly healing from my surgery. i'm struggling with resting and not getting up and doing "too much" i had issues with that during pregnancy. justin is taking some time off and working from home as well. he has been amazing. if you watch him with liv, he looks like a baby pro! i love him more now than ever and a big factor in that is watching him love our daughter so much. so watching them now, asleep on the couch together, chest to chest..her little mouth open and her hands on his chest..his hand on her back, snuggling her to him, makes my heart threaten to explode and makes me cry with happiness. we are so, so lucky

dr=supreme ruler of all?

so i find myself in familiar territory. i had an appointment with the hand specialist about my carpal tunnel today. it was a scheduled follow up, but one with perfect timing as my hands are beginning to hurt and wake me up at night again. this office called me yesterday to remind me of the appointment as well as clearly state the "punishment" for canceling with less than 24 hrs notice etc. whatever....

i went to my 1045am appointment this morning. by 1145 i hadn't been seen. stewing, i went to the front desk (not a nurse to be found in the labyrinth of hallways on my way there of course) i walked up to the front desk and calmly stated "i've been waiting for an hour, i have not been seen, i want my copay back." she looked at me like i'd just offered my not-yet-born child up to her as a sacrifice. but, to her credit, she must be able to spot a woman on the edge and she began looking for my credit card slip. she did ask if i wanted her to check to see "what was going on " and " how much more of a wait" it would be. i said no, that i had been disrespected enough and had had more than enough of my time wasted and that i wanted to go. she credited my card (at least she'd better have) and i left.

i don't understand why doctors think that their time is oh-so-much-more-valuable than mine. i get it, you went to school for a long time-so did i. you help people in your work-so do i. i guess when they get their diplomas, the MD is followed by the title "supreme asshole" written in invisible ink. just because you sport a white coat doesn't mean that you are any better than any one else. don't waste my time. i show up at the appointed time for a reason. if something has happened and you are behind schedule, respect me enough to tell me and allow me to decide if i'd like to wait it out or reschedule. it's not rocket science, Mr MD, its common courtesy. or maybe they cut that class out of your schedule in college to make room for "fucking with people 101"

another conversation

i'm at work and while i'm here, justin and i communicate through google talk. this is a snippet of tonight's fun
Justin Horne: Have pizza tonite
horne.christy1: yay!!
Justin Horne: Donates from kroger. $6
horne.christy1: cool
horne.christy1: don't burn it
horne.christy1: got eggs and yogurt and frozen pizza
horne.christy1: i grabbed a couple things had to go get bday card for brian
horne.christy1: nothing much
horne.christy1: too poor
Justin Horne: Me too
horne.christy1: have to pick up pictures tmw from cord camera
horne.christy1: they weren't sure how big can make fat baby pic
horne.christy1: we'll see tmw
horne.christy1: i tried for 5x7 but may be distorted
Justin Horne: Ok
horne.christy1: may have to make it 4x6
horne.christy1: don't want blurry fat baby
horne.christy1: haha
Justin Horne: Like how her show films oprah.
horne.christy1: who's?
horne.christy1: ooo bad grammar--i mean whose?
Justin Horne: When oprah is her biggest, the hazy filter is put on the camera.
horne.christy1: ah gotcha they do?
horne.christy1: didn't know that
horne.christy1: i need a hazy filter to follow me around all day
horne.christy1: lol
Justin Horne: I drink so my life has a hazy filter
Justin Horne: Just jokin
horne.christy1: yay your hazy, dink fueled filter makes u like me!
horne.christy1: drink fueled
horne.christy1: i wish i could type w/o looking
horne.christy1: boo
Justin Horne: Its 745 and I'm yawning
horne.christy1: nap
horne.christy1: go to bed for the night
Justin Horne: I sleep when I sleep
horne.christy1: ok
horne.christy1: up to u
Justin Horne: In 2 hrs maybe a different story
horne.christy1: mmm someone brought starbursts
Justin Horne: I eating pizza
horne.christy1: ok you win
Justin Horne: }:)
horne.christy1: no fair
horne.christy1: to tease a preggo with pizza
Justin Horne: Will be here. If I don't eat it all.
horne.christy1: ok
Justin Horne: There'll be some
horne.christy1: sweet
horne.christy1: lesson of the day- do not forget that you have a tums in your mouth when you go to take a big drink of hot chocolate---ew
Justin Horne: Multi-tasker!
horne.christy1: and working too
horne.christy1: ooo just got old lady upskirt! ew
Justin Horne: That's hot
horne.christy1: ew
Justin Horne: U ran the dishes today? It wasn't full
horne.christy1: i did
Justin Horne: I have dishes I was gonna throw in and start. You messed with my friday night routine!:(
horne.christy1: ooo you party animal...sorry
Justin Horne: Now not only do I have to put dishes in, now I have to take dishes OUT!
Justin Horne: x-(
horne.christy1: <3
Justin Horne: x-(
horne.christy1: :P
Justin Horne: :'(
horne.christy1: B-)
Justin Horne: Justin Horne: All done
horne.christy1: lol
Justin Horne: I have patio door open
horne.christy1: nice
horne.christy1: beautiful out
Justin Horne: I am easedropping on a "black" argument.
horne.christy1: cool
horne.christy1: oh no you didn't
Justin Horne: The black family at adjacent bldg on 2nd floor who has gettogethers sometimes?
Justin Horne: Guess what the argument was about?
horne.christy1: money?
horne.christy1: pot?
Justin Horne: Racist?
horne.christy1: lol yes
Justin Horne: !
horne.christy1: seems i am tonight
Justin Horne: No. It wasn't about pot
Justin Horne: It was
Justin Horne: About
Justin Horne: Who was a better rapper... Jay Z or Kanye!
horne.christy1: seriously?
horne.christy1: you messing with me?
Justin Horne: Yeah. I heard who had better lyrics. And who made more money and had a bigger mansion
Justin Horne: Amazing
horne.christy1: jay z
horne.christy1: funny
horne.christy1: bet the old folks above us loved it
Justin Horne: I heard some curse words so it had to be serious.
horne.christy1: well...that's a very serious issue
horne.christy1: earth shattering
horne.christy1: lol
Justin Horne: it was like watching a WB sitcom.
horne.christy1: sorry i missed it

i miss all the good stuff!!