Olivia's here!!

as i write this, i look to my left and i see my precious, 4 day old daughter sleeping on my husband's chest. they're doing "kangaroo care", skin to skin contact that helps her bond, learn to regulate her body temperature and relax. its beautiful to see.

last wed, christmas eve, i woke up to my cat nudging my leg, insisting on her breakfast. it was 645am and i contemplated just rolling over to go back to sleep. but, the preggo bladder was screaming so i heaved myself to the edge of the bed in a barrel roll fashion and felt a pop. and then a gush....i hopped out of bed and scooted to the bathroom. i knew exactly what just happened, i knew that my water had just broken, yet i stood there with my pj pants around my knees just staring for a few seconds. then, i cleaned up and said, "justin, wake up" he, from a dead sleep, mumbled, "wha?" "i think my water just broke." lemme tell ya, that boy has never woken up so fast before in his life!

i told him to calm down and that i was going to get a shower and then call the doctor. and that's what i did. when i called, they told me that one of my dr's partners was on call and that he liked patients to call him at home. i called the number they gave me and a woman (his wife?) told me that he was at riverside hospital and to call the service back and ask them to page him. i do.

he called me back in a few minutes ( i was unpacking my bag meant to go back to the valley and making a hospital bag) he asked if i knew for sure that the water broke.

me "yes, definitely."

dr "are you still leaking?"

me "yes"

dr "having contractions?"

me "no"

dr "well, give it a few hours. if you go to the hospital now, they'll just give you pitocin to start contractions. wait until 9 and then go, unless you start getting contractions 5 minutes apart before that time. if you do, go then."

me " ok, she's frank breech"

dr " well then, you'll have surgery today"

so, we decided to clean the apartment in case anyone had to come over. by 8, i was having contractions 7 minutes apart. they were all in the back of my hips and they HURT. by 820 they were 5 minutes apart and i told justin we were going.

he tells me that the dr said to wait until 9. i give him a death stare and tell him that this was MY decision and I said we were going NOW. we get to the hospital and are sent to triage. these people were just trying to do their job, but lemme tell ya--asking a woman inane questions like "what was the last grade you completed in school?" mid-contraction is simply a death wish!

by 915, they were 2 minutes apart and i was dilating. they did an ultrasound and confirmed her breech position and said that i definitely needed a c section. poor justin kept trying to rub my arm, hold my hand and i kept holding my hand up to tell him not to touch me. i was miserable. we told them that we had out of town grandparents and asked what time the surgery would be. we were told in about 30 minutes. everything was just going so so fast. justin got on the phone to rally the troops while i answered more stupid questions through clenched teeth.

they came to get me to go to the or and i was shocked that they made me walk there. i had to pause a few times to make it through a contraction. justin put on his exterminator suit. when we got to the room, they showed jus the area he had to wait in and took me inside. i sat on the edge of the bed and the anesthesiologist ( a very nice man) was trying to get me to bend over so he could find the spot to stick me in the spine. hard to do with contractions that are now coming on top of each other. i manage it and he says "you're going to feel a stick, it's important that you don't move" i interrupt him by screaming "JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!" he does and 5 seconds later i announce "i can't feel my feet" they moved me on to the table and set everything up. a blue curtain is raised and justin is brought in.

about ten minutes later, after lots of pressure and tugging and pulling- i hear "its a girl!" and i see, for a split second, a little, gooey face peeking over the curtain and then i hear an ear shattering scream. i start to cry and justin got all teary. a few minutes later they got justin to go her. and then was the worst part of the whole ordeal- i lay there, like a slab of meat- being shoved and tugged, rolled and "worked on" i lay there alone, the happiest moment of my life and i had no one to share it with. i couldn't see her, i had no one to hold my hand, i was just the discarded host.

then jus did bring her to me and all of those terrible feelings were pushed away. (they would resurface periodically) they wheeled me to recovery and gave her to me right away. she was perfect. tiny, 6 lbs, but perfect.

olivia is doing well, she was born 4 weeks early, and as a result she hadn't developed the "suck, swallow, breathe" reflex. she struggled with eating while at the hospital and lost more than 10% of her body weight, taking her down to 5 lbs 6 oz. she managed to bump up tp 5 lbs 8.2 oz by the time we left. she still struggles with eating on occasion.

she is nothing short of amazing. i tear up just thinking about her. i could look into her little face for hours. i am so in love. i love watching justin love her. he also stares at her often. we are both simply mesmerized. we keep waiting for the dream to end. lol we keep waiting for her real parents to show up and take her. we keep realizing that she's ours over and over again.

i'm slowly healing from my surgery. i'm struggling with resting and not getting up and doing "too much" i had issues with that during pregnancy. justin is taking some time off and working from home as well. he has been amazing. if you watch him with liv, he looks like a baby pro! i love him more now than ever and a big factor in that is watching him love our daughter so much. so watching them now, asleep on the couch together, chest to chest..her little mouth open and her hands on his chest..his hand on her back, snuggling her to him, makes my heart threaten to explode and makes me cry with happiness. we are so, so lucky

dr=supreme ruler of all?

so i find myself in familiar territory. i had an appointment with the hand specialist about my carpal tunnel today. it was a scheduled follow up, but one with perfect timing as my hands are beginning to hurt and wake me up at night again. this office called me yesterday to remind me of the appointment as well as clearly state the "punishment" for canceling with less than 24 hrs notice etc. whatever....

i went to my 1045am appointment this morning. by 1145 i hadn't been seen. stewing, i went to the front desk (not a nurse to be found in the labyrinth of hallways on my way there of course) i walked up to the front desk and calmly stated "i've been waiting for an hour, i have not been seen, i want my copay back." she looked at me like i'd just offered my not-yet-born child up to her as a sacrifice. but, to her credit, she must be able to spot a woman on the edge and she began looking for my credit card slip. she did ask if i wanted her to check to see "what was going on " and " how much more of a wait" it would be. i said no, that i had been disrespected enough and had had more than enough of my time wasted and that i wanted to go. she credited my card (at least she'd better have) and i left.

i don't understand why doctors think that their time is oh-so-much-more-valuable than mine. i get it, you went to school for a long time-so did i. you help people in your work-so do i. i guess when they get their diplomas, the MD is followed by the title "supreme asshole" written in invisible ink. just because you sport a white coat doesn't mean that you are any better than any one else. don't waste my time. i show up at the appointed time for a reason. if something has happened and you are behind schedule, respect me enough to tell me and allow me to decide if i'd like to wait it out or reschedule. it's not rocket science, Mr MD, its common courtesy. or maybe they cut that class out of your schedule in college to make room for "fucking with people 101"