in the swing

so here we are, week 3. time really does fly! we're starting to get a schedule established, and that helps anal me oh so much. i'm the sort who craves control and while i know a new baby means no real control, the schedule at least provides the ILLUSION of my having some.

we've seemed to find some solutions for liv's reflux. we've changed formulas and prop her up as much as possible. she's growing like a weed! up to 6 lbs 8 oz as of last week and i know she's gained more. her face is just getting so round and beautiful!

i'm relaxing a bit (as much as my anxiety allows lol) i go back to work full time march 1st, but i picked up some shifts in february to ease me back into it. sometimes, i look forward to it, to break up the monotony and get me out of the house. but other times, i just don't want to think about leaving her!

i have another surgery coming up. feb 1st i go in to finally get my nose fixed!! i haven't been able to use it properly for years due to a deviated septum and some physical blockage of the nostrils. i was working on scheduling this surgery when we found out that i was pregnant. so, the dr decided to do it while i was already off work. i hear it hurts like a mother, but is worth it in the long run. hopefully, i'll be able to breathe and maybe even smell things!! (just in time for poopy diapers!)

uh oh- the beast is stirring--gotta run!

where did christy go?

i'm going to go ahead and state the obvious here, being a new parent is hard. now, before you snicker and prepare your "i-told-you-sos" or your "now who's boss?", just give me a minute to say i knew it was going to be.

i love my baby. i don't think that anyone would or could doubt that. i loved her before she was even born, i fell more in love when i heard her first cry, and the minute she was placed in my arms, i knew i would die for this tiny creature, this tiny PERSON looking up at me through hazy eyes. i wouldn't change her being here for the world. but there are moments when i struggle to adopt this new reality placed upon me by virtue of her just being here.

last night i had such a moment while waiting for a bottle to warm ( i have no idea what time it was except to say that the only thing on tv was infomercials). there i found myself, tired, oh so deliriously tired, wearing a nightgown with spit up on my boob, missing a sock, staring down at this newly obtained flabby gut when i just kinda lost it. not a crazy- throwing things and being loud "lost it"- just a quiet, pitiful weeping. now, this was not the first time since Liv has come along that i have cried. two nights ago, i spent a good two hours rocking a fitful baby and sobbing until we both had the hiccups and looked like we had lost the battle with the ugly stick. i know, these things happen.

most of my time is spent, i think, trying to reconcile my brain with this new world. i find myself struggling to find a sense of "normalcy" only to then realize that i don't even know what "normal" means anymore. i miss people too. it seems to me that everyone has kinda abandoned me. given me up to the all consuming life of motherhood. i think this is well-intentioned. i think that people are trying to give me, give us time to bond with our baby and to get to know her. and for this i am grateful. ( i know i sound wishy washy,like i don't know WHAT i want, but that's what you get from someone who doesn't sleep anymore) i also would like people to remember that i am a person first, in fact i am the same person i was a month ago to some extent. call me, talk to me about what's going on out there in the world since i can't go out there right now. visit. i miss being around people. even if its just a phone call. i miss it.

i can't sleep during the day. i have a never ending list of things that need to be done. that's the other catch 22, i want people to visit, but would be mortified if they was the condition of the apartment. the condition of me...

so while this has no point, i felt like getting it all out. excuse the rambling...i think my coffee is done.