Sunday, January 10, 2010

where did christy go?

i'm going to go ahead and state the obvious here, being a new parent is hard. now, before you snicker and prepare your "i-told-you-sos" or your "now who's boss?", just give me a minute to say i knew it was going to be.

i love my baby. i don't think that anyone would or could doubt that. i loved her before she was even born, i fell more in love when i heard her first cry, and the minute she was placed in my arms, i knew i would die for this tiny creature, this tiny PERSON looking up at me through hazy eyes. i wouldn't change her being here for the world. but there are moments when i struggle to adopt this new reality placed upon me by virtue of her just being here.

last night i had such a moment while waiting for a bottle to warm ( i have no idea what time it was except to say that the only thing on tv was infomercials). there i found myself, tired, oh so deliriously tired, wearing a nightgown with spit up on my boob, missing a sock, staring down at this newly obtained flabby gut when i just kinda lost it. not a crazy- throwing things and being loud "lost it"- just a quiet, pitiful weeping. now, this was not the first time since Liv has come along that i have cried. two nights ago, i spent a good two hours rocking a fitful baby and sobbing until we both had the hiccups and looked like we had lost the battle with the ugly stick. i know, these things happen.

most of my time is spent, i think, trying to reconcile my brain with this new world. i find myself struggling to find a sense of "normalcy" only to then realize that i don't even know what "normal" means anymore. i miss people too. it seems to me that everyone has kinda abandoned me. given me up to the all consuming life of motherhood. i think this is well-intentioned. i think that people are trying to give me, give us time to bond with our baby and to get to know her. and for this i am grateful. ( i know i sound wishy washy,like i don't know WHAT i want, but that's what you get from someone who doesn't sleep anymore) i also would like people to remember that i am a person first, in fact i am the same person i was a month ago to some extent. call me, talk to me about what's going on out there in the world since i can't go out there right now. visit. i miss being around people. even if its just a phone call. i miss it.

i can't sleep during the day. i have a never ending list of things that need to be done. that's the other catch 22, i want people to visit, but would be mortified if they was the condition of the apartment. the condition of me...

so while this has no point, i felt like getting it all out. excuse the rambling...i think my coffee is done.

1 comment:

  1. Well darlin, I hope you realize WE, or I mostly haven't been up in a bit now is only because of the weather. I know exactly how you feel and what you mean, I felt much the same myself after each of you came along and I had family close by. I'm grateful for Chris, that he was able to give you a well needed mental health day, and dammit, weather permitting memaw's comin!
    Just continue doing with Liv that I did with you, hold her, kiss her, love her....she will love you right back. If you ever doubt that, look at OUR relationship.
    You'll always be my baby girl. I love you.