Wednesday, May 6, 2009

pissy vicky

Ok, so what i'd like to know today is...who decided that in order for a girl to work at victoria's secret she must be a world class snot?

i'm not the biggest fan of shopping. i generally do most of that online with the exception of shoes. but, now that i've bought myself some new girls; i don't have to special order the lunch lady bras i used to wear anymore(woohoo!!!!!) a few weeks back, i decided that the new ladies were healed up enough to attempt life with an underwire again. i'd never NOT had an underwire before the surgery, and can't imagine life without one. this is kinda strange. i thought that after my surgery i would never want one again, but they just don't seem as perky without one. this is me before surgery to give you an idea of the massive boobage i'm talking about

so i decided to be brave and go to vicky's. i am instantly uncomfortable when i walk into a vicky's. the place smells like a church...all the floral perfumes intermingling, and one instantly is surrounded by reasons to feel bad about yourself....seeing all the tiny thongs make me long for thinner days and regret whatever it was i had for lunch that day. another annoying thing is the sales girls...these prissy, clad-in-all-black, chicks must be able to sense fresh meat much like a ravenous lioness, because they swarm around their prey before she can even make it to the bra section.

now, the first time i went, it was painfully long. i did find (miracles of all miracles) a sweet saleslady who helped me figure out what size i am now and what styles i like best. it took forever and poor justin had to sit out in the bored-off-their-ass-husband area. you know, the couch where the boys sit and fantasize about their wives wearing barely there shit that no one over a size 0 can pull off without massive loads of booze? i must say, he was a brave soldier who kept emailing me fun, gigantic boob pictures while i was trapped in the fitting room waiting for some help.

he also received what he deemed fabulous news, and what i declared a "fucking joke", i am a 36 D now. look guys, i paid to have these things trimmed down-no-scratch that....i wanted major cutting. i asked the surgeon for a B, she recommended C I have a D. I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS. i know, D is not huge and all that, but c'mon! i must admit, it's still one hell of a difference...before and after..

so, today i decided to brave the store again to use up my remaining gift card. i also realized that in my shopping bliss i had neglected to get a plain white or a plain black bra. i was so enticed by the idea of colorful bras, that i ignored basics. so i go in and am immediately surrounded by the girls. i tell the one exactly what i want. "the body by victoria bra in black and in white please" she leads me through the maze of unmentionables and to where i need to be. i spot my size and snag the two i want. she says, "have you tried the biofit? i just love it!" (this line, to be most effective should be read in your best valley girl/cheerleader voice) i reply that i have tried it and have it at home, but am not a fan because the straps always fall down. she looks very perplexed (even tilts her head to the side like a puppy who can't find his ball) and says "um, like, you know you can adjust the straps right?"

RIIIGHT...i grit my teeth and kindly say "yes, i DO know that. i want these bras only thanks" then this brilliant little tart says" well how about a push up bra...i mean cleavage is" i say no thanks and she then launches into a cute little antedote on cleavage and how much boys like it...i look her dead in the eye (with my beautiful bloody eye mind you) and say "look honey, i've spent most of my life with tits bigger than you can imagine. i do not want cleavage ok?"

i swear she looked like someone had smacked her in the face! she even flinched...her mouth dropped open and she huffed away leaving me to smugly make my way to the check out toting the two plain jane bras i'd come for. i just want to take one of these ladies by the shoulders, give her a good hard shake and yell "SNAP OUT OF IT FOR JEEBUS SAKE!" but i'm afraid i'll shake the brains right out of her noggin' and she'll never become the scientist she's meant to be....


  1. Ha Ha Love that shirt! LOL

    This is why I hate shopping. I NEVER ask for help unless it is absolutely necessary.

  2. that is a SIGNIFICANT difference. congrats