Monday, July 13, 2009

what dreams may come

so i've been reading all about pregnancy-the horror stories and especially the tales of what this state does to one's body. through this self education, i'm learning about all kinds of terrible things---heartburn, hemorrhoids, gas, weird dreams, and the one that frightens me most___my feet may grow up to a size, thus rendering my lovely shoe collection worthless!!

this blog serves as an outlet for me, and today i thought i'd use it to chronicle a few of the weird ass dreams i had just in the last two days. i've been having weird dreams since marvin came along, and i've been meaning to write them down. i haven't...most are strikingly vivid and very realistic. i remember most in long chunks, though there are some that are just images.

Friday night:

i am at the home of a long time girl friend. this house is not the one she lives in now, nor is it her childhood home. we are both there and so are her parents and her brother. there is a terrible tornado. i remember seeing the very black sky whipping around us. debris is everywhere. shockingly, there is absolutely NO damage done to the house or anyone in it. when it settles down, i decide to take a shower. i go into the bathroom and do so. when i'm done, i get out and with a towel wrapped around me i begin to brush my (dry) hair. all of a sudden i hear a noise behind me. i turn around, heart pounding. there in the closet behind me is my friend's dad, watching me. he comes over to me and takes me by the shoulders. then he strokes my hair. "pretty" he says.

i snap awake at this point, all kinds of creeped out. This is the dream from last night/this morning. it's a bit of a two parter, as i think i had one and then woke up (probably to pee again). when i went back to sleep, i had another with a few of the same characters. part 1

i am at an amusement park with all of the boyz and their wives. we are all sitting loosely around some picnic tables, and we're eating. i notice that the boy next to me (i shall leave names out to protect the innocent) looks very sad and upset. so i ask what's up. he looks at me and says, " you know that situation you're in?" eying my big belly.
"i'm in it too. we just found out."
"OH! well, congratulations??" and i look at him knowing he's not happy.
"i don't think so. we're fucked."
"well, when's it due to be here?"

now, somehow i know that its august in my dream. and i'm shocked that they kept it a secret from everyone for so long. i'm also a bit jealous that someone else in the group will have a baby before mine is due to show up. before i can say anything more, he gets up and walks away. while he's gone, his wife begins talking loudly..
"so i had no idea what was wrong. the dr kept running all these tests."
another wife i can't see says, "what made you go in the first place?"
"my face was all swollen."
so i say, " how far along are you?"
she says, "i don't know."
"well, honey, didn't they do an ultrasound? measure your belly?"
she gets angry at me and yells, " I said i don't know!"

the second part of this involves the same husband and wife from the amusement park...

i'm driving back from the valley and it's very late. i'm really tired and call the guy and ask if it's ok for me to crash at their place because i'm so tired and i don't think i can make it home. (side note-this makes no sense in real life because they live not too far away from our place) he says sure, c'mon over. next thing i know, i'm there and he's at the door. he shushes me and leads me upstairs (real life- they have a flat apt) to the spare bedroom in the dark. the whole time he's silent. there are a pile of sheets crumpled up on the bed.
"you'll have to make it, but they're clean." he says.
"k, thanks"

then he starts to make the bed and i open my bag and change into my pj's. he then says, "she doesn't know you're here, so get up early and leave." then he goes into his room, which is right next to where i am. soon i hear her screaming at him "what do you mean someone's here?" the start to argue and i sit there, on my knees at the side of the bed. my elbows are on the mattress (think old school little kid prayer position) and i'm silently pulling out hundreds of straight pins from my palms. next thing i know, she comes into the room and screams at me to leave. i gather my things and go out the door. i find myself in the ghetto (again not where they live) and i can't find my car. i keep hitting the unlock on my keys, hoping to see my headlights flash.

then i wake up to my alarm. see what i mean? super weird and nonsensical. damn these hormones!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

frank and beans!

by far, THE best line i've heard in ages was this, " uncle juddy, is your peebug ok?"

i had just finished explaining to jake why it was very important that he tuck his "stuff" into his jeans before zipping. to further illustrate my point, i told him how his uncle had, just the night before while in a drunken haze, forgotten this oh-so-very-important-tidbit while at the bar. i also told him that now his poor uncle now had a boo boo on his you-know-whats-it and how he couldn't possibly want the same thing to happen to him. now, when i was telling this very important life lesson to the tot, uncle was no where around. so i think it goes without saying that this surprise question (which was full of earnest concern) caught all of us off guard...especially uncle juddy, who promptly replied by turning about eight different shades of purple before groaning, "aw...who told him?" i must say that we all had a good chuckle at my hubby's expense. he was a very good sport about it though, and even provided some details of the carnage to make everyone groan and laugh. poor guy....all i can say is OUCH

the other very good line i heard came from none other than the peebug damaged man himself. the same night the injury occurred, he decided to go to a local bar with his dad and his dad's good friend to play some pool. lots of beer flowed and by the time i showed up (damn pregger dd) he was feeling no pain (this is a good thing, since the something about mary incident happened early on in the night) he even filled me in on what had happened (off to the side out of earshot of all), which helped to clarify the message i'd received earlier simply stating "i hurt myself". after hanging out for about an hour, we grabbed pizza and headed home. some drunken and pregnant late night pigging out happened (lemme tell had to be like watching lions feed to the casual observer) after which we all parted ways to go to bed. jus was in an unusual chatty mood and decided to ramble away for awhile when we got to bed. this was all fine and good, even though i was exhausted. but THIS line woke me up and had me all confused. the conversation went like this:

c "go to bed would ya?"

j " you know what you should do? you should sell your vagina to msnbc."

c" WHAT?!?!?"

j "or fox"

and then he passed out. lol i'm still not sure what the fuck he was talking about, but i did wonder if somewhere deep in that drunk mind of his he though of my girly bits as used and ruined and figured we should try to get a little cash out of it since we will soon have a marvin to support. i'm not sure, but i made sure to tell everyone that he said this, including his mom, who didn't find it the least bit funny.

the next day i reminded him of his brilliant entrepreneurial idea and he got all embarrassed and swore he didn't remember saying that. then he said it totally sucked that i was always sober now because any other time, i would have laughed my ass off but conveniently forgotten it the next day. how true darling, how true...but remember.....


Thursday, July 2, 2009

my list 'o rants

ok, i feel the need to preface this by saying that i am honestly looking forward to this whole baby thing. it's a surreal experience, but not an all bad one. that being said, there are many things that i have discovered so far that i do NOT like about being pregnant. i'm sure this list will change, and possibly grow as i grow (hardy har har) but here goes nothin':

*i hate having tums for dessert-everything i eat these days gives me heartburn bad enough to rattle my kneecaps

*speaking of eating, i hate that i'm ALWAYS eating. i feel like a zoo animal! can't miss my feeding or there WILL be hell to pay

* i hate that i've worked so hard to lose weight and now and too bloated to button my pants! i know, i know--this is a beautiful thing and it will all be worth it...but damn it! i've spent so much money and time in the past year on losing weight that i could have just gone on a nice vacation and had plastic surgery after marvin gets here instead!!

*and while we're on the subject of clothes--i bought this be band thingy to wear over my now too small pants. this tube top looking contraption allows me to walk around with my pants undone and it holds them up for me. nice concept yes? however..this thing is so tight that when i go to pee, i have to yank it up around my middle. this forces all my fat to either swell over the damn thing or squish under it. i have always avoided such lovely things as spanx and girdles because the idea of wrestling my fat into a tight garment holds no glamour in my eyes. now i have to do it about every 30 min because i pee that damn often. like wrestling with bacon fat and trying to stuff it into a drinking straw

* and while i am feeling better...i really don't like the looks that some people get on their faces when i am feeling bad. they kinda smirk with this shit-eating look and say helpful things like "ooo not feeling well?" or ""heehee looks like someone needs crackers" ok people, i'm not a 4 yr old with an owie...stop the freaking baby talk!

* and while we're on the subject of people...people people people!!!! i've received more unsolicited advice in the past few weeks than i can recount. i DO NOT want to hear about how long you were in labor, or about your water breaking, or about how much labor hurts. i don't need to know why/how your child refused to "latch on", nor do i need details about your afterbirth!

*and i saved the best for last---i miss wine!! i miss relaxing at the end of the day with a nice glass of red. i miss curling up with a book and a good bottle. sighs....

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

i'm alive!

i haven't blogged in ages...

i was afraid that i'd have nothing to talk about except THE NEWS and i didn't want to share that too early

this may become a wee bit tmi (for you boy or sensitive readers)

i've been on the pill since i was 15. that means 15 years of my body not having to regulate its own hormones and such...that's a long ass time. i decided to quit the pill last year in late sept. to ready myself for the BIG BOOB SURGERY. i had read about the links between the pill and clotting after surgery and that scared the ever-lovin shit outta me. and so i kissed the all too familiar pink pack goodbye and prepared myself for a life with a period every month (i was on those cool pills that allowed for one every three months) things seemed to jump right back to normal and all was well...

again...tmi--i had my "auntie" visit me on new years and then she seemed to pack up and move out. every passing month was a pseudo tense one. i like to get my drink on and have been known to smoke on occasion. let's not lie---i get my drink on way too often but i blame justin. he's a beer at night to relax kinda guy and i all too willingly joined his little club. but at the same time, i was all paranoid that i was knockered up and unwittingly causing all kinds of damage to the little thing and that it was sure to be born with flippers or something. as a result i began buying pregnancy tests monthly and peeing on the stick began somewhat of a habit. (on an interesting side note, even though i am 30, each time i would pee on the stick i would have that "oh shit, if that 2nd line pops up i'm gonna have to tell mom! feeling)

my doctor kept giving me these pills that he swore would "kick start my flow", but they never seemed to kick start anything except a wave of crazy ass emotions that i could live without (ie. bawling on the kitchen floor in front of the open fridge because we are out of coke) and by april/may, i'd figured that i'd sunk enough money into ept and decided that money was better spent on liquer, so i quit the habitual peeing on a stick.

my doctor decided to run a whole lot of blood tests to see what the hell was making me all wonky (hold the comments peanut gallery)..first he tested the thyroid...normal...then he checked some other shit ( i may have been too drunk and or bored to pay attention to what he was looking for) everything was coming out just then he pops this one on me..."i think we need to test some other hormone may be infertile." gulp---ok

around the same time, i started to wonder when the hell my flu was going to go away (see where i'm headed don't cha?) i went to my training session one wed and damn near fainted and had myself a proper asthma attack for the first time in ages. now because i am a chick, anytime my tummy has so much of a twinge, the first thing i think is " oh god am i knocked up?" this is always made worse when i call my mother and she says " you're not pregnant are you?" so i rooted around under my bathroom sink and found a test...peed...sweet jebus! is that a faint 2nd line??? quickly i grab another test, say a quick thanks to my trainer for forcing me to drink so much damned water that i CAN pee right away again....3 min later---its so faint i think i'm seeing things.... i call mom..she suggests a calm down and not get myself too worked up, the test results are due from the dr on monday...MONDAY!!! ITS FRIDAY!! i can't wait a whole weekend...

i text my friend chris with my dilemma and he quickly calls me a dumbass and tells me to hightail it to cvs and get the test WITH FUCKING WORDS. brilliant plan...i manage to stop puking long enough to make the 2 min trip. i come home armed with 3 more tests..all the kind that show words and not pesky lines...

"holy shit! there's no NOT in front of that pregnant word!!!"

i quickly snap a picture and email it to justin and chris. i call my mom. she keeps saying that i need to not get my hopes up and wait for the doc. justin replies with a simple, all encompassing--"wow" followed later by an incredulous "my boys can swim?"

nurse calls monday--"are you sitting down? you're pregnant!"

wow wow wow

we make an appt since we have no idea how far i could be. 6 weeks. i'm instantly hit with pangs of guilt...during my wee pregnancy i had already broken damn near every rule- i had been drunk (hammered) a few times, gotten a tattoo and even shared a joint with friends...christ.....

turns out all is ok so far though...i'm now 10 1/2 weeks and everything looks ok.

this is our 9 week photo

we call it "marvin" due to its resemblance to marvin the martian. mom's not too thrilled with our name but too bad mama! lol i'm slowly feeling better. i was so sick for a couple of weeks that i could read or even look at the computer screen without yakking. (thus another reason for my absence) thank goodness i graduated from school right before all the bad sickness ran me over!

and now, i'm attempting to deal with all the crazy emotions that marvin brings. we're happy, no doubt there, but i've been a rollercoaster of crazy. most recently, was me crying into my bowl of potatoes because i was hungry but i didn't want potatoes...but i kept eating them!!! oy vey--i've never been such a mess!

anyhow---off to the gym...hopefully i will update again soon!